Tomorrow is my probation review.
Somehow, I knew I’d pass (and yes, I passed!), but I did feel spooked during the past 3 months. I guess it’s due to the lurking thought of being shamefully “deported” to my hometown after having (proudly but anxiously) announced that “I’m going to work overseas” to all my friends and families.
I had this exact feeling when I was under probation at Holistics – my previous employer. The situation is quite similar. I had to relocate from Hanoi (north of Vietnam) to Ho Chi Minh City (south of Vietnam) for that job. Having signed a one-year rental contract and having invited all my family members to a gathering for farewell, I was scared to think of having to go back if I failed my probation.
(In case you don’t know, in northern Vietnam, it’s common to invite your relatives to a meal to “announce”‘ something important. In my case: fly to HCM for a job)
Now that I can temporarily lay down my anxiety of being laid off (temporarily because, hello, economic downturn!), I guess I should share a bit about my departure from Holistics. TLDR: I didn’t quit Holistics.
I.
From my own experience, when someone leaves the company, it’s easy for the remaining employees to think:
Why did he leave? Has he found out something wrong with this company that I didn’t know of? Is there any better opportunity that (since he can take) I can take too but I don’t know? Damn I like working with him – what if the future employees in his replacement doesn’t suit my working style? Oh I’ve been working here for too long, should I think of changing my career too?
(Yes, you guess it right, that’s what I thought when seeing someone leave the company)
In Holistics’s defense: There’s NOTHING wrong with Holistics.
On the contrary, Holistics is amazing.
During all of my interviews and even until this very moment, I affirmed that Holistics stays amazing the moment I left. I didn’t quit Holistics because “Urg my boss was not supportive” or “Urg the compensation sucks”. Not to say that I had the most outstanding bosses of all time, or the compensation here already reaches the roof. It’s just that all of those things that usually made one resign were not my cause. In fact, I didn’t have to wait after 2 full years to find out that there are companies that pay better than Holistics or have seniors that are ex-FAANG.
I just didn’t leave it because I found out some inferiorities.
II.
It was the 9th or 10th PRD.
Three weeks before that, I conducted a Problem Discovery meeting, in which I, with minimal effort, convinced top leaders and my squad to give me green light on this new initiative. This PRD is just the actualization of my idea. I finished it faster than usual. I reviewed it with our senior engineers. Although some technical parts require further research clarification, everything went smooth, so smooth that for a moment, I stopped in fright to think about how easy it went.
It was different when I first joined the company. I was assigned to work on a small feature, but to me, it was as if asking a primary student to solve a university problem. Everything was messy. I didn’t remember how many documents I wrote got (digitally) trashed because they were wrong, or very wrong, or super duper wrong. I trembled every time I presented my PRD to my boss and to other engineers. I knew there was something wrong with it, but I didn’t know how to fix prior to the meeting. And no meeting ended up with me feeling any good.
But this time, this 9th or 10th PRD, it went smooth. This feature is so much more complex (in case you wonder what it is, here is it), but, the review was smooth.
Development and launch happened as planned. Users are satisfied. Engineers are happy because I didn’t have last-minute requests (usually because I hadn’t covered some use cases), and because the proposed solution was crystal clear.
But I… hm. I didn’t feel as good. I realized this ease signals how deep I am within my comfort zone.
In other words, I stopped growing as fast as I did.
III.
I raised this with my boss. Vague as my early feeling was, I tried to elaborate it as much as I could with the hope he can therapeutically identify my deeper problems and threw them in my face.
But of course, vain.
He tried his best to ask probing questions and suggest different projects, but at the end of the 4-month mark since the day I told him, I wasn’t convinced that my feeling for the next few months in Holistics would be any different.
I knew it was on me, not the company, and definitely not him.
I wanted to break free of this plateau. I wanted to run towards a place with more challenges. Funny thing: Holistics lacked anything but challenges. Want to work on a world-class analytics platform that goes head-to-head with Google and Microsoft? You’ve got it. Want to build the next ecosystem for database visualization and documentation? You’ve got it too. Want to work with demanding billion-dollar business customers all over the world? You’ve got it too!
But I guess I wanted a different kind of challenge.
I would attribute a majority of my growth as a professional product manager to the environment around me a.k.a the people and the way they work. These “components” are determined by the company’s culture, geography, as well as industry. And I’d say, these things cannot change overnight, at least not as fast to catch up with my decision to leave.
Looking deeper, Holistics is a people-first company. You can feel it the very moment you step into it. It is a close-knit community, where you join as an individual but leave as a family member. Despite my COO’s repeated mantra that “Holistics is not a family”, you would definitely feel the kind of bond only a family has, when working here. I care and I feel cared. (hey, don’t leave out the first part “I care”, because some cultures don’t encourage you to care, and for me, it feels great to be able to care). I can come slightly late and leave slightly early, as long as I finish my work. I can WFH and take loooong leaves, simply with some oral notice to my boss (sometimes, none).
The data industry puts heavy emphasis on security and multi-level permission. Hence, it is unlikely to move fast. A company needs many rounds to evaluate a data product, let alone actually adopt it. Data best practices need time to be demolished and replaced by new innovations. And hey, it’s data, so doing the thing right is equally important as doing the right thing. Everyone around me is very careful when approaching problems. Planning and strategizing are essential parts of our work.
Above are the two slices for you to peek into the Holistics way of life. I don’t want to go further, as you might miss the forest for the (nice) trees. What I mean is I have grown accustomed to this way of life.
Ava has beautifully described this stage of my life: I’m at a local maxima (the best point in my life in the short term). Sadly:
When you’re at a local minima, it’s easy to catastrophize and believe that everything is doomed. When you’re at a local maxima, it’s easy to believe that this is the best things will ever be. Usually neither is true.
IV.
It’s easy to see the other side of the spectrum.
If Holistics is flexible, some other companies are strict.
If Holistics is friendly, some other companies are aggressive.
If Holistics is steady, some other companies are swift.
This other end might be the border of my comfort zone, where I can grow further. Even though I still don’t know what version of the future self I want to shape into, I know I will have to leave a certain way of life if I leave the current environment for a contrasting one. Having a good view from both ends can help me decide where I want to settle.
Please note (seriously note!) that I’m running on a spectrum whose both sides are equally good on their own. It’s not running from hell to heaven. I thought of this as a some-year experiment, rather than an inescapable tunnel that leads me to the end of life. I might (oh, I very might) return to Holistics or companies that feel like Holistics at some other points in my life. This further strengthens my points that I don’t quit Holistics. You shouldn’t go back to your ex, but your company is damn fine.
In hindsight, none of this was as clear as the moment I am writing this. Even so, I still think this is just a modest effort of me trying to make sense of all the pivotal decisions in my life. In 10 years time, I might look back to this and laugh at its childishness.
But well, as Marcus the Great Stoic Emperor once said:
Do what you must, let happen what may